How to Manage Gender Disappointment

What to do When Your Baby is Not Your Desired Gender

Aug 13, 2008
Dana Herrera

Boy or Girl? - Bianca de Block

Many parents want to know their baby's gender. But what if the baby's gender is not what you desired? Learn how to manage gender disappointment and enjoy your pregnancy

Gender disappointment (GD) occurs when the sex of your baby is not what you desired. GD is rarely talked about and often misunderstood. In the article, "Gender Disappointment: Feeling Disappointed About The Gender of Your Baby" (BellyBelly), Kelly Zantey writes, "Gender disappointment is fairly common and is nothing to feel ashamed about." Understanding GD can help you to manage your emotions and enjoy your pregnancy.

Experiencing Gender Disappointment

In the July 2006 article of Carolina Parent, "But I Really Wanted a Girl," Robin Whitsell writes, "According to Sara Rosenquist, Ph.D., a Chapel Hill psychologist who specializes in new-parent issues, feelings of guilt and disappointment are common among postpartum parents even though they often feel they can't talk about these feelings to family and friends."

GD is not limited to expectant mothers. According to Whitsell, both parents can experience these emotions, which range from confusion, to anxiety relating to a certain gender and even pressure from family with high gender expectations.

Who gets GD and why? In “Secretly Sad: Overcoming Gender Disappointment,” Andrea Elovson (BabyZone) writes that GD is a product of society, family and personal issues. Maybe your family is longing for their first grandson. Perhaps you have always imagined a daughter to share those special moments. Reasons for GD vary from person to person.

Managing Gender Disappointment

Take time to grieve the gender you are not having. The feelings of loss can be very real and you may experience a period of mourning.
Talk about it. Tell someone you trust, such as a partner, a friend or a healthcare professional.
Write it out. Journal or post messages on a GD web forum such as In-Gender or iVillage.
Stay positive. Focus on other aspects of parenthood besides gender.

Gender disappointment can put a damper on new baby preparations. If shopping for gender specific items is too emotional, delegate this task to someone else. If you are concerned about your family's reactions, keep the gender to yourself. Don’t dwell on the unchangeable. Instead, celebrate the joys of pregnancy.

Enjoy Your Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a very special time and growing a new life is no easy task. Taking care of your emotional and physical wellbeing is more important now then ever. Your baby will thank you for staying calm and avoiding stress.

Pamper yourself. Treat yourself to a much needed pregnancy massage or take a relaxing prenatal yoga class.
Meditate. Or better yet, forget about pregnancy for a day. Find a quiet room, light lavender and vanilla scented candles, play some soft music and let your mind wander into a good book or your favorite magazine.
Shop…for you! Looking good on the outside can lift your spirits, so go ahead, splurge on that new maternity top you’ve had your eye on.

Moving Forward

Elovson encourages parents to take time to heal. Fortunately, she notes that getting to know your child can diminish or even eliminate your disappointment. There is no quick fix to GD, but understanding your feelings can help to manage your emotions.

In the meantime, pamper yourself and celebrate your pregnancy. Focus on ways to transform disappointment into enjoyment.

Dana Herrera - Dana Herrera: There is an Algorithm for Everything

26 Comments

Comments

Aug 17, 2008 12:52 AM

Guest :

i don't really understand GD. a fetus feels everything the mother does so aren't you projecting those horrible feelings onto your unborn child? i definitely agree with the author that a woman needs to talk about her GD with a professional, along with her husband.

Aug 17, 2008 11:21 PM

Guest :

GD is very real and painful and needs to be better understood and explored by the very professionals the above comment makes reference to. The guilt and shame that is felt only makes it more difficult to work through because there's hardly anyone to talk to about it, who doesn't tell you that you should just be grateful for what you have. I went through GD and then to top it off, I had several inaccurate ultrasounds telling me I was finally having my longed for daughter. Delivery room shocks are a whole other brand of pain (that needs to be discussed more) because you actually grieve the gendered baby that was VERY real in your head. Everyone's feelings on this topic are very real and need to be honored.

Stephanie
author of Lullabies & Alibis (the story of one woman's desperation to have a daughter)

Aug 18, 2008 6:19 PM

Guest :

Like the first commenter wrote....
It's really quite impossible to understand this phenomena until you have been there and longed for a specific gender. Every child is an incredible miracle and a gift. After having three of a particular gender, my heart longed for one of the opposite gender. I did, indeed, achieve this dream, but so many never get to experience this. I feel for them.
These dreams are deep rooted - sometimes from childhood. It's really the loss of a dream. People say you can achieve anything you set out to do, but giving birth to a particular gender is not in our hands. It's the one thing we cannot control.

Dec 2, 2008 7:59 AM

Guest :

I have 3 beautiful, healthy, happy boys. I could not love them more. However, I desperately wanted a baby girl. After finally convincing my loving supportive husband to have another child, we found out at a 17 week sonogram that it is another boy. I have been terribly depressed for a week now. I haven't been able to share the news with anyone because of my sadness. The guilt I feel for being disappointed is as painful as the disappointment itself. It is so difficult; if you haven't experienced it there is no possible way to understand it. I know I will absolutely adore him when he arrives, but right now I am just trying to make it through each day without tears.

Dec 2, 2008 8:00 AM

Guest :

Dec 8, 2008 3:58 PM

Guest :

Just found out that I am having a girl. This will be my only pregnancy. As a tomboy, being a little girl was very awkward and painful for me. I just "get" boys so much better. I bond with them easily. My best friends are men.
Yes, I'm thankful that at 39 I got pregnant easily.
Yes, I'm thankful that she is healthy by all appearances.
Yes, I will love and care for her and delight in her.
But my little boy that I will never have, how I long for you.
Some of us don't have 3 or 4 tries in life because of age or health or relationship status, that's the source of my GD.

Dec 8, 2008 4:07 PM

Guest :

Jan 14, 2009 9:58 AM

Guest :

I just found our yesterday at 16wks that we're having our second girl. I feel terrible about being disappointed that it's not a boy since I have fibroids and endometriosis. I've had two laparoscopies and never thought I'd be able to conceive. This second pregnancy was a total surprise and it took a while to adjust. I want to cry, but feel i should be grateful and shed tears of joy instead. My husband says it doesn't matter to him, but I doubt he's being honest. His mom desperately wanted a grandson since there are so many girls is the family. I was abused as a child and I worry now about having to protect another little girl. I know that boys are not much safer, but girls just seem to be more vulnerable. I've been praying over the matter and hope that God gives me peace since I don't have a support system and do not want to experience postpartum depression a second time. I love my little girl until it aches my heart--I pray that I will be able to love this second baby girl the same way--I have the precious images of her sucking on her thumb and hiding her face and those help a little

Jan 24, 2009 5:31 AM

Guest :

I recently found out that I'm having another boy, it's my second child and will probably be the last. When I was pregnant the first time I wanted a girl also but this time the disappointment is more difficult.The first pregnancy I was not as depressed about the news because it was my first child and I knew I could try again. GD is very difficult to deal with. On my side of the family There are only boys..how we all want a little girl. On my husbands side of the family his siblings has one of each. It's very sad for me I was secretly hoping for a girl even though when asked I would say "as long as it's healthy it doesn't matter"..but it does matter. I have not shared my feelings with anyone until this comment. It's very bitter sweet..when I go out and see little girls my heart breaks and I try very hard not to dwell on it. I constantly say to myself the baby will be so much joy and he will be wonderful..but in the back of my mind It's there. I know when the baby comes it will be exciting but not having a daughter breaks my heart.

Feb 19, 2009 9:01 AM

Guest :

It has been so comforting to read information about this. I'm having my first child and it has been a rough pregnancy in my opinion. I had to have fibriods removed before even being able to conceive. Yesterday I had the ultrasound that alerted me to the gender of the baby. We're having a boy. I could feel my heart shatter into a miliion pieces. I come from a very matriarchal background and since my grandmother passed away I thought that I would be able to carry her traditions over with my own daughter. My mom also expected me to have a girl and when I told her she was equally as disappointed. My husband wanted a girl and he's disappointed. He's been wonderful at validating my emotions and I hope I'm doing the same for him. I have never felt so disappointed and distressed. I feel like an awful parent because the baby is seemingly healthy and all I hear is that should be enough but the reality feels very different. Dreams and fantasies of traditions ended in the blink of an eye. It doesn't even seem real. I know this will wear off when I meet the person inside, but grieving the loss of what I thought, hoped and expected is all I can focus on right now. I appreciate this article and the others I've read because I no longer feel so alone in this situation.

Mar 18, 2009 12:12 PM

Guest :

This is so hard to talk about because I don't want to sound ungrateful for being able to have 4 beautiful, smart and wonderful daughtes. I am now 20 weeks pregnant with my 5th child and it is a another girl. I have been so depressed knowing that the son I have longed for will never be. 5 children are a lot of responsibility and I don't take it lightly. I don't feel that it would do any of them good to keep "trying" for a son. But I am very sad, to the point I feel like I am mourning a child. I don't want to feel this way and have tried to make it okay, but it isn't. I am a little scared that I will always feel a an emptiness because I will never have a son.

Apr 9, 2009 2:02 PM

Guest :

Have a look at the website 'in-gender'. It is a fabulous place for support for women who feel disappointed in their baby's sex - it is non judgemental and very supportive. GD is real and sharing with people who know that helps a great deal.

May 12, 2009 2:35 AM

Guest :

I am so glad to find these articles about GD and certainly most glad I am not alone. We just found out we will be having a girl and I was immediately gravely disappointed. This disappointment was quickly shrouded by shame and guilt. I grew up in a family of many females, I guess the grass is always greener the other side. My husband says he wants a girl but I think he is saying this just not to add to my disappointment. I don't feel the same about the pregnancy anymore, I think I am less excited now. Every time I think about this, I am reduced to tears. I don't know what will help me get over GD.

Jul 25, 2009 4:10 PM

Guest :

I am pregnant with my third boy. I was incredibly blessed with my dream of having a girl with my first pregnancy. I just assumed I would have another girl. When I found out my second was a boy I cried but after he was a few months old I rejoiced in his boyhood. When my husband agreed to a third child I was so hopeful. When I found out it was another boy I went into a depression that has only recently lifted. This fourth preganacy was a total surprise and I truly believed God was answering my prayer. I just took the tell me pink or blue gender prediction test and it said blue. When I read the news I felt physically ill. I could not sleep a wink all night and I have no appetite. I have two sisters who are my best friends. I wanted that for my daughter too. My husband has two brothers and they could frankly care less about each other. However - I am going to talk to my doctor about this at my next visit. I am not going to suffer through another sad joyless pregancy and delivery. My sons do not deserve to be handled by a mother who feels totally depressed and empty by their presence. I am getting help. This is real and nothing to be ashamed of!

Aug 13, 2009 12:12 PM

Guest :

18weeks and just found out i am having a girl, it sounds crazy but i was heartbroken. Its our first child and i have always imagined a boy first, i know everyone in the family wants me to have a boy so i feel like i have let everyone down. I know it seems crazy but I am really depressed, i burst into tears and feel as though i dont even want this child. I never expected to feel so upset finding out it is a girl, it feels as though someone has died. Its horrible. I am hoping that once it is born I will fall in love with my little girl. I just hope the next months go fast cos i cant handle this depression.

Sep 4, 2009 11:44 AM

Guest :

what if you were adopting? we tried adopting a baby girl from Russia - mostly cause we could choose the gender unlike domestic adoption. after the medical reviews on the paperwork showed fetal alchohol syndrome combined w/russia closing and restricting the program we switched to domestic adoption. Have matched and now just found out it's a boy. I should be grateful for any healthy baby but I am stressed out, anxious, depressed and making my poor husband upset by my response to this match. In domestic adoption, just like if I was pregnant - you can't choose the gender. We can't decline this match because its a boy so now the choice is no baby at all ever - of this boy. Its far too expensive to adopt a 2nd time trying for a girl. so this would be it. No baby ever or this boy (why are nursery decorations and clothes for baby boys so awfully ugly?)

Sep 18, 2009 3:41 AM

Guest :

I feel just absolutely awful. I have two beautiful, healthy little girls and just found out that we are having another little girl. I am so disappointed and angry and it just makes me feel like a terrible person. This will be our last child and after suffering several miscarriages I know I should be thrilled that the baby is healthy and growing. I can't stop crying and wish that I would just be feeling elated that I am carrying a healthy baby. I really hate myself right now. I feel like hiding and I certainly don't feel like having people tell me that I should be thankful for my blessings.

Sep 21, 2009 4:59 AM

Guest :

I hate that I am having another girl and this is my last baby! At times I cry so much then other times I want to break something and scream like a wild woman. I'm afraid I won't get over the fact that I will never have a son. I wanted to enjoy my last pregnancy, which doesn't seem to be happening. I was horribly sick the first few months, had a couple good weeks and now and depressed over having a girl. I know I should be thrilled that she is healthy and I know I am selfish and well I just hate myself. I know I should even be more thankful after getting pregnant after three miscarriages and here I am angry to be pregnant with a girl.

Nov 24, 2009 4:27 PM

Guest :

found out yesterday I'm having a boy, after my heart bled so hard for a girl. Personal abuse issues are what make me feel so strong. i am so angry right now. Angry at the ultrasound tech who repeatedly could not stop saying how everyone wants a boy, why am I not acting excited, as I held back my tears so hard. Mad at my mother in law for saying stupid comments like "you'll be good parent" and so much more, then following it up with "cheer up" in a abrupt tone. Yet she wants me to turn to her if I need anything. I just need her to shut up! Why can't people just shut their mouths if they don't know what to say, because it doesn't help.
I don't know how long till I get over this, I just want to crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone that doesn't understand.

Dec 2, 2009 1:44 PM

Guest :

I just found out yesterday we are having are second son. I just want to get under a rock and not talk to anyone. The desire for this child and pregnancy has left me. I find myself being mad at eveyone and that my husband does not understand. I should have just stopped at one, I honestly feel I could have five more kids and they would all be boys.

Jan 1, 2010 8:06 AM

Guest :

I will find out the gender in 2 weeks. It's going to be the longest 2 weeks of my life. I have 2 beautiful boys but long for a daughter. I am completely aware that the average boys does not hang out with his mother as a adult. I have 2 sisters and am very close to my mother. I just can't imagine not getting the opportunity to build a relationship with a daughter. I keep having terrible dreams and thoughts that this one will be a boy and I will just fall apart on the table. I know that I should just be greatful for a healthy baby but right now I honestly would rather not have another baby then have another boy. I know that in time these feelings will change but for now I'm hoping....

Jan 23, 2010 1:08 AM

Guest :

I have 4 little boys age 8,6,4 &1 i lost a baby 6 months ago and now am expecting again only to find out that its another boy im so upset as i want nothing more than a little girl and feel so bad but 5 boys with the same husband ther is a pattern there and i dont think that we will ever get our dream i mean how many times can one try?

Feb 13, 2010 2:33 PM

Guest :

i am 18 weeks pregnant with my first child and i'm really hoping for a boy. in two weeks we are having an ultrasound and will be able to see the sex of the baby. My fiance and I areboth really hoping for a boy. I have two sisters and i always wanted an oler brother. I'm just scared that if this baby isn't a boy that my fiance will be very disappointed. i know he'll love this baby unconditionally either way, but i really want to give him a son. I just feel horrible imagining the ultrasound appt. and hearing the doctor say "it's a girl!" i'll be happy no matter what, but the guilt is killing me.

Feb 18, 2010 8:42 PM

Guest :

I am so glad that I found this article because I really felt so alone at first. Today I found out I was having another boy,this will be my 3rd boy but I do have 1 girl. I just feel so disappointed because I really felt in my heart it was a girl this time.I even had several dreams about it and everyone like friends and family kept saying how nice it would be for 2 of each. I know I sound so horrible,selfish and ungrateful,and I honestly feel so guilty and don't mean to come across that way. I really do love all my children and I am truly blessed that they are all healthy,happy kids. I know I am going to love this baby also with all of my heart,I just needed to vent a bit so I can get over the disappointment I feel that I am having my last child and it will be another boy. Good luck to everyone

Mar 1, 2010 10:32 PM

Guest :

Definitely and after almost 7 yrs I still am. I look at my son and feel no love and no connection whatsoever. Although I've dedicated my life to providing all the stability and the healthiest environment for him i.e. family (I'm an only child and came back home to CA just so that he would have the experience of having extended family consisting of grandparents/great-grandparents), home, food, toys, full time nanny as I had been a single parent for most of his life and had to work 12-16 hrs a day or 2 jobs to pay the mortgage, car, utilities, feed him, clothe him, etc. I struggle with the 'no love' for him issue. He's actually a great kid with so much potential and I feel soooo bad that I cannot feel any love for him. I've actually apologized to him while he sleeps over being his mom. He deserves so much more than I could ever give him! I've always wanted to do right by him but my heart still feels nothing and doesn't get over the gender disappointment. I tried to put him up for adoption but my family vehemently oppossed my desicion and made it impossible for me to go through with it. It's soooo frustrating and sad to live this way and the guilt is overwhelming! I see him everyday and nothing. I don't know how to deal with him, associate with him, nor play with him. Of course I've faked the emotions at the proper times as much as I can but I don't think I can go on much longer. It's like faking an orgasm every day.

I've recently married whom I feel is my soul mate. We became pregnant with my beloved dream daughter whom was born prematurely and passed two hours later. I now live with all this and don't know how to deal anymore. I hoped things would improve after the arrival of my so long awaited for baby girl but instead the feelings of rejection toward him have grown and avoid having him around by dropping him off at my mom's after school everyday as my way to hide my feelings from his in order to ensure he's not exposed to my feelings which are now harder to hide anymore than he has to be. Although I know I don't love him nor accept him, my instinct has always been to protect him and want to best for him and meet all his needs. Sadly for both of us, the main thing he needs from me I cannot give. I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. The loss of my precious daughter and the living with the guilt of my inability to love and accept my son. I crave to try again in the future but cringe at the notion of having another boy. My husband has 3 from a previous relationship and although he's been very supportive and understanding of my feelings he fears that I may reject the new child and although he has not expressed it, I know he won't handle the situation well if I were to feel the same way again.

I know most will be horrified after reading what I just wrote but this is how I feel and what my life is like. I know I will be called names, etc. but like I said this is what my life has been like and dealing with gender dissappointment.

Apr 14, 2010 8:30 PM

Guest :

Just found this article after learning that we're having our second boy and feeling incredible sadness. I really thought this was a girl and was so excited for the 20 week scan, thinking "that will be the day I find out I'm having a daughter", and the imminent joy of telling my father his longed-for granddaughter would arrive had me on cloud nine. I've been crying for two days and have lost all sense of excitement or joy over this pregnancy. Everyone says "you'll love your baby when you hold it". Fine, yes, I know that to be true - but I don't think I'm going to love my life and what two sons will do to it. I'd rather have regretted not having a second child than living with resenting this one.

26 Comments