Dating as a single mom is challenging enough. As a lesbian mom meeting Ms. Right is a daunting task. To top it off, knowing the rules for dating as a lesbian single mom is as difficult as finding a reliable babysitter for a Friday night date.
Ready to Date?
Before jumping into the single lesbian mom dating scene there is much to consider. According to the blog, Ms. Single Mama, self-love must come first.
Before taking the dating plunge, consider the following:
- Has enough time passed between relationships? Concerns about the stability of kids and career take center stage as a single woman. If a breakup is recent, dating might be a quick way to cure loneliness. But, it may also bring up emotions that can carry over to potential partners. TIP: Using a current date to vent about an ex is always a no-no. This may be a red flag to put off dating for awhile longer.
- Is it okay to be alone? It's easy to jump into dating after a breakup. And, as a single lesbian mom, the help of a supportive partner can be a welcome relief! However, lesbian relationships thrive when women can express individuality. Romance, not desperation, is the key ingredient to a fantastic date. TIP: Dating out of loneliness? Perhaps an interest group may be a better option for awhile.
- Who would make a perfect partner? Single moms have little time for dates. Before kids, dating a variety of women helped weed out the potential partners from the no-ways. But, as a single lesbian mom, it's important to use date time wisely. Create a list of must-haves, deal breakers and would-likes to jump start the process. Wasting precious kid-free time on women who don't meet any of your must-haves may lead to unnecessary heartbreak and time away from that much needed bubble-bath.
Rachel Sarah, author of Single Mom Seeking (Seal Press, 2006), writes that single moms need to have a dating game plan that includes:
- Knowing what you want in partner. Create a list of must haves, would likes and deal breakers.
- Saying no to dates that do not meet your criteria.
- Consciously seeking out a partner instead of waiting for her to appear.
Enjoy Just Dating
According to Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships (Clunis and Green, Seal Press, 2004), lesbian relationships have many stages including:
- Getting to Know You
- Romance
- Conflict and Disillusionment
- Acceptance
- Commitment
The authors note lesbians are quick to rush the "getting to know you" and "romance" stage and leap straight into commitment. Yet, building friendship and romance is the key to a relationship with a strong foundation.
So, take time to enjoy the first two stages of a new relationship. Not only will dating and romance provide a wonderful respite from single mom duty, it's a great opportunity to truly get to know a woman.
The Rules of Dating for Single Lesbian Moms
- Date for the right reasons: Lonely? Looking for a partner to help with the kids? Seeking intimacy? Perhaps dating should be on the back burner. There are other ways to fulfill these needs. Self-confidence, self-sufficiency and individuality are not only attractive qualities to potential dates, but vital for stable, respectful and long-lasting relationships.
- Create a list of must haves and deal breakers: Don't waste time dating women who don't have at least a few of your must-haves or worse, have many of your deal-breakers.
- Leave the kids at home: At least for now. Of course, introducing kids is important, but enjoy some mommy-free romance time! There will be plenty of opportunities to introduce kids later. Low on cash? Check out these solutions for cheap and free childcare.
- Take it slow: Don't expect too much too soon! A date once a week with an occasional phone call is a great way to get to know a woman. It is easy to get attached quickly (hello U-Haul syndrome!). But passion doesn't always equal long-lasting love later down the road.
- Balance needs: Juggling single motherhood and dating is a balancing act. Prioritize. Dates come and go, but kids are forever.
- Know when to say goodbye: Dating the wrong person? Try not to drag it out due to loneliness. It's best to end it sooner rather than later. The longer dates are dragged out, the harder it is to say goodbye.
Single Lesbian Moms in the Dating World
Dating as a single mom is a challenge. With limited time, it is difficult to mingle in lesbian-friendly settings. This is why it is important to make dating a priority and seek out dates rather than waiting. Be proactive in dating and seek out the must-haves. Avoid women who fall into the deal breaker category. Enjoy romance and getting to know another person before addressing the kid and commitment issue.
Above all else, balance the needs of family, work and self above dating. Self-confidence and self-sufficiency is sexy!
